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How the ACLU Stole Christmas!
(With Apologies to Dr. Suess!)
Alfred B. Davis
Posted: February 14, 2005
[Copyright: December 2004, Alfred B. Davis]
Every Christian in America liked Jesus a lot
But the ACLU, who lived on the left coast, Did NOT!
The ACLU hated Jesus! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that his heart had no light in it at all.
But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoe,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating that Saviour born of a Jew.
Staring down from his cave with sour, litigatious frown
At the warm lighted nativities below in their towns.
For he knew every Christian down in America's churches
Was busy now singing from choir loft perches.
"And their reading their Bibles!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his ACLU lawyers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...all the Christians below,
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush out in the snow!
And then! Oh, they'd sing! Yes, they'd sing! Sing! Sing! Sing!
That's one thing he hated! How they'd SING! SING! SING!
Then the Christians, young and old, would go out and tell.
And they'd tell! And they'd tell!
And they'd TELL! TELL! TELL! TELL!
They'd talk about heaven, and warn about hell,
Which was something the ACLU couldn't take well!
And THEN, every Christian in America, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas hymns playing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Christians would start praying!
They'd pray! And they'd pray!
And they'd PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!
And the more the ACLU thought of the Christian-Christmas-Thing
The more the ACLU thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over eighty-some years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop Christmas from coming! ...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE ACLU GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The ACLU started to holler.
And he made a quick minister's robe and a collar.
And he chuckled and clucked, "What a great ACLU trick!
"With this robe and this collar, I'll look just like Pastor Nick!
"All I need is a left-leaning judge..." The ACLU looked around.
But since judges were partying, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old ACLU...? NO! The ACLU simply said,
"If I can't find the right judge, I'll bribe one instead!"
So he called his lawyer Max. Then he made up a sad yarn
And he stuck a black briefcase under his arm.
THEN, He loaded some files and some plans for attacks
On a ramshackle case and he paid off old Max.
Then the ACLU said, "Let's sue!" And he headed on down
Toward the country where the Christians lay a-snooze in each town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Christians were all dreaming of heaven without care
When he came to the first courthouse in the square.
"This is stop number one," the old ACLU hissed,
And he walked in the courthouse with some files in his fist.
Then he woke up the clerk. Said there was a case to view.
If the sheriff could do it, then so could the ACLU.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then they woke the judge up for a million or two.
Pictures of town creches were all shown in a row.
"These creches," he grinned, "Are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, as he lied to all present!
Bibles! And Prayers! Merry Christmases! And Crosses!
Knocking on doors! And witnessing bosses!
And he stuffed them with lies. Then the ACLU very nobly,
Stuffed all the court dockets, one by one, so boldly.
Then he slunk to the schoolhouse. He took prayer out of school!
Did away with Bible reading! He banned God from the school!
He cleaned out religious endorsement as quick as a snake.
Why, that ACLU even got rid of their Christmas time break!
Then he filed more lawsuits against them all with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the ACLU, "I will tarnish the Pledge of the free!"
And the ACLU grabbed the Pledge, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a Believer!
A timid Believer, who challenged the Deceiver.
The ACLU had been caught by this younger Believer
Who'd got out of bed and so he deceived her.
She stared at the ACLU and said, "Reverend, why?
"Why are you attacking the American Pledge? WHY?"
But, you know, that old ACLU was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake minister did share,
"There's a line in this pledge that the Constitution can't bear.
"So I'm taking it off to the courthouse, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the Christian. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when the little Believer went to bed with her cup,
He went back to the town square and tore the nativity up!
Then last thing he took was the song for their choir.
Then he went back to the courthouse himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of religion that he left in his wake
Was a watered down story too unbelievable to take.
Then he did the same thing to the other Christian's towns.
Leaving stories unbelievable for all but some clowns!
It was a quarter past dawn... All the Christians, still mute,
All the Christians, still a-snooze, when he filed his suit.
Packed it up with their histories! Of freedoms! Of foundings!
Their prayers! And their Bibles! Their Commandments! Their groundings!
Three thousand cases made-up! With the media he pumped it.
He rode to the top of the Supreme Court to dump it!
"Down with the Christians!" he was eagerly thumbing.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Christians across this great land will all cry, BOO-HOO!
"That's a noise," grinned the ACLU,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the ACLU put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared out at America! The ACLU popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Christian in America, the tall and the small,
Was praying! Without any government help at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the ACLU, with his lawyers in tow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
"It came without creches! No school Bible clubs there!
"It came without government-sanctioned reading and prayer!"
And he puzzled three hours, 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Court made a ruling it hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," it said, "Doesn't come from a grant.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...isn't something you supplant!"
And what happened then...? Well...in America they say
That the ACLU's foul lawsuits came to a stop in that day!
And the minute the Court came around to the right,
The ACLU was thrown out in the bright morning light.
And he lost all his cases! And failed with his brief!
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The ACLU prayed for relief!